Name: Katie
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why does it seem to be such a crime to be an unsocial person?
that is my question. i have asked myself this a countless number of times over the past few years. clearly, i am an unsocial person by nature. i know, it's horrible, i should be taken away to an asylum immediately!!!
my friend's baby was baptised today (yep, baby shower friend.) after the baptism they had planned a party at their house. i really don't like get togethers like that- i have mentioned this nuuuuuumerous times to the world in general. well, apparently that was not enough. i told my friend that i would be attending the baptism but not the party. my logic: that is the more important of the two, who would miss me at the party?, and i would just come over after the party when everything has died down. mind you, i am in NO way a religious person so for me to chose to go to the church (by myself!) instead of her house should have really said something.
cutting to the chase... i got a massive guilt trip from my friend. she's mad at me now. sooo stupid. i don't even know what else to say. why make something out of nothing? maybe that's just how she entertains herself. i've had so many since that baby was born. one friday i had gone over her house straight after work and stayed there until 3 in the morning and whe i was getting crabby and told her i was ready to go she said- come on kate, you get to sleep in as long as you want tomorrow. yes, well i didn't have a baby. that sounds horrible of me but it's the plain truth. i had been spending so much time over there already- she was relying on my like i was the other parent. and she lives with her dad and his girlfriend is over there almost every day so it's not like she's by herself all the time.
oh i need to just let it all go. let her be mad. we'll get on with it. still irritaded though. she drives me crazy!!
i shouldn't have to try so hard to like someone. i really think we're only still friends because we have known eachother since we were 5 years old. she was my first best friend, we did eeevvverything together.
ah! i gotta stop.
it's 5:19 in the am. can't sleep.
why do they make the little key board shelf on computer desks so narrow that you can't fit your hands in to type when the shelf is not pulled out? that's just stupid. i mean, all i'm asking for here is half an inch for chrissake. whatever.
i decided recently that if i ever wrote an autobiography i would call it "chopped liver." oh i think i'm so clever. i wish i was skilled at telling stories and whatnot. personally, i feel as though my life story could be exaggerated into a pretty interesting book or movie. but a lot of people probably feel that way about their own lives. anyways, most of my story would be about how nobody knows who i am or cares about what i say, hence the title. i bet that sounds like a potentially gripping story, eh??
sometimes i get like this, you know, all annoyed about how nobody ever notices me. but when i think about it, i really don't have anything interesting to say about things that most people are interested in talking about. i don't watch the news and i'm not really into sports. that eliminates like all current events. and lately i've been finding myself in situations that i'm put on the spot, ex: hey, katie, you're awful quiet over there!! what the hell. that just makes me fucking annoyed. i am a quiet person and never the one to have a special anecdote to add to someone's story. i listen and occasionally nod and smile when appropriate. hell, i'm probably not saying anything because i'm not really listening. what am i even supposed to say to that. uh, sorry... i don't really care what everyone's talking about so i just decided to sit this one out.
it's true, i really hardly ever pay attention to what anyone else is saying anyways. so i shouldn't be too insulted. it's not that i don't find a lot of people interesting, it's just that i really don't care about a lot of things enough. not nearly as much as i should. sue me.
really when it comes down to it, i think i just need my conversations to be a little different for me to be interested enough to participate.
i am really boring though. i'm not the girl you want to call if you want to go out and have an exciting night. i don't "make things happen." if things happen and i'm involved it's because those things came to me.
you don't care, and to make my point, i don't care that you don't care.
so i think one of my key friends is mad at me right now. she is a "key friend" because she is my only friend that still lives in my home town. most of my socializing is done with her. anyways, i think she's mad at me because when we went out last weekend i spent the entire night texting my other friends and ignoring her friends. i do not care for them at all. originally it was just supposed to be the two of us going out because we hadn't in so long. but, of course, last minute she found out that her lame college friends were going out also and suggested that we meet up with them. i don't blame her for attempting to up the potential of an exciting night by adding her friends to the mix, as i've mentioned i am admitedly boring and these bitches "make things happen," and in their case it is by being obnoxious and fucking annoying. clearly i have a severe distaste for them and it kind of annoys me that i'm pretty sure that my friend knows that and acts like she doesn't while tricking me into going out with them. and we all know i can't say no so that's that. so she may be mad at me because i was rude. but i don't care, i do not like them and she has to know that by now and i think it would be even more rude to tell her i hate her friends. plus i'm like nearly positive that they don't like me either, especially the one so fuck 'em.
it's 6am now.
somehow i just now realized that i unconciously do my best not to have close friends. i am constantly asking myself why people want to be around me. it's not that i don't like myself or think i'm a loser and unworthy, it's just that i know that i am a strange person and probably difficult to understand. simply put. i do not like to be in social situations where i am expected to act a certain way or do or say certain things. i make no sense, i know this.
for instance, my friend had her baby today. this is the friend i have previously bitched about on this very blog, well mostly her sister. despite my earlier feelings towards her we had been spending a lot of time with eachother since she's been home (yes, she moved back in with her father) and really, i have never givien her enough credit for who she is. i don't want to go ahead and give her too much credit, but i sincerely believe that deep down she is a caring and loving person and that she would do almost anything for the people she loves. i just wish she would just realize that being yourself is so much more fulfilling than always saying and doing whatever certain people think you should. but that's a different story.
so anyways... this is such a long story, i'm gonna do my best here to sum it up... she went into the hospital last night and tried to get ahold of me through her sister, who was with her at the time, to tell me. i did see that her sister called me from her cell phone but because my friend's labor had been going on for weeks on and off (way too long of an explanation) i just figured i would call her back today because i did not want to talk to her sis because i am, gently put, not fond of her. next thing i know, today my boss (the sis' father in law) calls me to tell me that the baby has been born. when i finally talked to my friend she seemed genuinely upset that i hadn't been there.
i don't understand this. let me explain why because i probably sound like an asshole right now.
i am a person that never knows what to say or what to do. i am always lost in terms of what would be appropriate and i always feel like the actions that are expected and standard hold too much pressure. it's messed up. i know that if i had been there i would have been no help. i would have absolutely tried to do anything i could to be an asset to her life at the time but i know that i most likely would have gotten on her nerves. i would think that a person would be useless in a situation like that unless they had some sort of clue of what the fuck they were doing. and i had thought that she would have felt the same way.
moving on.
i went to visit the baby and her this evening and it was awkward. for me. not surprising. the baby is absolutely beautiful. she looks perfect, just as you would want your baby to look. she's healthy and so is the mom. but basically i just stood there and stared at the baby not really talking to anyone. all i want is for her to come home so it can just be us and relaxed and not a production.
do you have any idea what i mean??
i hate situations like that. "that" meaning any social gathering in which participants are required to smile, hug, take pictures, gush, etc. these events may include weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, grad parties, and apparently baby arrivals. basically any time one is required to be overly happy. i like to experience my emotions on a much more grounded level i guess. plus i can't pretend i like everyone. i don't. i can't fake it. sorry.
so basically i'm just a really odd, socially awkward person. i don't think i've always been this way. i really feel that in the last 5 or so years it's just gotten worse. the less people the better for me.
and it only gets worse as the day goes by because i think and think and think every aspect of my life to death. this thing is titled what it is for a reason. not even kidding. i'm going to think myself into an ulcer. yes, i giant, person sized ulcer.
these lyrics perfectly desdribe what part of my life i'm going through right now. i can't stop thinking about how time is flying by. there's no way i could say it any more clear in my own words.
i was looking back at old posts and i found this. it made me laugh.
Wednesday, January 24
"there's a guy at a gas station. he works there. he has a beard. and he made extra conversation with me when i went in today. last time i was in there he rung me up and i'm pretty sure that i was a total bitch-- my mom had sent me to get cigarettes and to cash in her lottery tickets, so i was pretty irritated to say the least. anyways, he said fuck and i thought it was hot. and he has a beard, which i also think is hot."
apparently it doesn't take much to get me revved up. haha.
so i've decided that i'm secretly cooler than everyone... in the entire world.
nobody knows it because in public i tend to always come off as awkward, unsociable, and occasionally dull.
but alas! i've got some tricks up my sleeve that i keep for private convesation only to be shared with a few lucky bitches.
i bring this up because i have recently come to acknowledge that i am the kid from highschool that NOBODY remembers or cares about. yeah, i'm not hurt by this... actually i'm quite amused by it. i so badly want to mess with these poor kids that were unable to capture my greatness. i mean, they had their chance.
megan, my friend from high school, alllllllways gets recognised by people from high school. i swear to god, it's a pain in the ass.
so i'm really considering fucking with some of these people and creating alternate egos. just for shits. hell i'll get a kick out of it. and i could totally pull it off. haha, i chuckle just imagining it.
i flipped off an old man today while driving home from work. he wasn't just grandpa old, i'm talking like at least 90.
i really normally never do stuff like that. i definitely bitch and moan while driving, i get irritated easily behind the wheel, but i'm not really into screaming out the window and i usually never flip anyone off (unless i'm the passenger). but today i've driven behind every idiot in northern ohio, i swear. fucking annoying. so i guess this man was the last straw.
he kind of deserved it because we were at a 4-way stop and he pulled out in front of me when it was clearly myyyyyy turn. it's not like we almost crashed or anything but at this point i was just fed up. so i flipped him a little birdie on top of my steering wheel and as he passed me i glared him down only to realize he was older than dirt. this bothers me because i am normally one to always respect my elders.
now , because i wasn't wearing sunglasses to protect my identity, i'm banking on old man eye problems so that my glaring face won't be burned into his shrivled brain as the poster child for today's douchebag youth.
sometimes i get so angry with people. i never say anything when the window of opportunity is open though. it always happens that i think and think and think about it until i realize that hey, that person is such a douchebag and that i totally had reason to tell them so. then i end up lying in bed unable to sleep all because i want to tell someone that they're a douchebag and where do they get off.
i wonder if i'll ever be a person that tells someone that they're a douchebag, a fake one at that. i've known many a person that were deserving. ok pretty much everyone i know, besides maybe two, if that. i guess maybe all of us are douchebags, yeah i'm probably one too. actually, i am a douchebag... a secret one though. and that's only because i'm so quiet that no one ever knows it. what a viscious circle.
this all stems from the current drama i somehow got sucked into. a childhood friend of mine got herself pregnant approximately 5 months ago by some guy, scratch that, by one of the guys she was seeing, scratch that, screwing. yes we've known eachother our whole lives but knowing someone and being a friend to someone is completely different. but try telling her that.
we met when i was 5 and she was 4. we lived across the street from eachother. we considered eachother to be best friends until she got boobs and i got chubby. then, inevitibly, our paths veered from eachother. i don't intend on going into full detail but to make a long story short i think she's selfish and full of shit and she probably sees me as boring and poor.
we never reached the point where we hated eachother or even pretended we didn't know eachother. but for me, whatever possible thread of a friendship we had that may be salvaged died right after my father. how? she invited me over to her house just days after he died because i "needed to get out of the house." reluctantly i went over to hers to sit on her couch and watch tv while she lounged in her recliner in her silk pajamas, drinking a glass of wine, and talking on the phone to god knows who about something not important enough for me to remember. needless to say, i stormed out because that was bullshit. a few days later my brother told me that he saw her at school and asked why i "was such a bitch the other night."
but, because i'm weak, we managed to stay in touch. she called me, never the other way around. that's my biggest problem, people just want to keep in touch with me. do i really sound like the kind of person that you want to be life long pals with?
so now she's pregnant. to enlighten you on her character, nobody was suprised to find out that she got pregnant. this is the call we had all been expecting to receive since she turned 15.
she wants me to move in with her. to help with the baby. the better part of me does want to help with the baby. the part of me that is rational does not want to live with a screaming newborn. the part of me that i think wants me to go insane has actually considered moving in with her.
her sister, which is pretty much the most fake person i know (and she's fake nice, which really annoys me because it's really hard to complain to other people how fucking fake someone is when the whole world believes "what! she's suuuuch a sweetheart, she always has been."-- yeah well kiss my ass she's full of shit) she wants me to move in with her too. she recently sent me a message on myspace saying, in so little words, that she heard that i was thinking about moving down to the city that her sister is living in and what a great city that is and that i should totally move down there not because of her sister but because it would be a great thing for someone to do that's my age. ha! let me tell you, i swear on my life that she would not give a flying fuck where i lived, whether it was in a cardboard box or up her ass, if her sister weren't pregnant. that irritates me to no end. but of course, because i'm a fucking push over i sent her a message back saying i've wanted to move down there for a while and i want to be able to help her sister in any way i can. what i should have written was that the both of them can kiss my ass.
wow i feel so much better. this probably makes no sense to anyone but i don't even care, i don't even know why you did.
update on my life since the last time i've written...
my social awkwardness is getting out of control
i cannot remember my father without completely breaking down. i cannot think of how much i love him without feeling like i'm going to die too.
i just found a scrap piece of paper with lottery numbers written on it in his hand writing and before i could even completely process it my eyes were watering.
i wish i could see him again. i just want to see his face. i want to smell his aftershave. i want to hear his voice. i can hardly remember his accent and that breaks my fucking heart.
WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO MUCH??????????????
it has been almost 5 years and it hurts so much.
i miss him. i still love him so much.
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